Jingle Bells, Mobility Gels
by FTWinterstorm
Summary: ATLAS and P-body think GLaDOS needs some cheering up. So when ATLAS finds a box filled with Christmas decorations, natural scientific curiosity takes over. Prepare for some major Christmas chaos, Aperture style.  Co-written by Falconflight
1. Chapter 1: A Robot with a Box

**Okay! First Portal fic, first Christmas fic... lots of firsts today. My original idea was for Chell to sneak into Aperture and get the place Christmas-fied, but I tinkered with the idea a bit and started pondering why there weren't many ATLAS and P-body fics. So this spilled out of my brain and onto my keyboard. Enjoy.**

**EDIT: I came back to fix some mistakes, as I am a perfectiontist. Also, just as this fic is about the co-op robots, I happen to have a co-pilot myself for this story: my greatly talented friend Falconflight. Enjoy!**

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><p>GLaDOS was bored.<p>

That was the best definition of the instance. Her days at Aperture had become so peaceful that they seemed to drone on forever. The human test subjects were essentially useless, and most seemed to have the intelligence of a lemon. Furthermore, they just kept _dying. _Science can't be done with a dead test subject, at least not the type of science that was required for testing of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device.

The co-operative testing was working well, but science with controlled variables just didn't feel right. Since GLaDOS was running out of co-operative testing rooms, she had decided to experiment a little by letting ATLAS and P-body- Blue and Orange, as she called them- use some of the older solo test chambers. It was boring her to no end, watching them fool around after finishing a test. For robots, they were so... _human._

But testing was all she could really do, due to both the fact that that was how she was programmed and because something had to prevent her from dying of boredom.

Well.

As if she could even die in the first place. No matter how many times a dangerous mute lunatic had tried to kill her, she was still alive. She would live forever, but sometimes living forever can get so _dull... _

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><p>ATLAS and P-Body were also bored. They had different reasons for being bored, however. They had finished testing for the day, and were looking for something to do in an old office space outside of a test chamber, spinning around in office chairs, optics half closed.<p>

P-body's sensors picked up a small movement on the ground nearby. She opened her optic fully, seeing a dark shape dart underneath a door. Naturally curious, she softly but quickly walked to the closet door. She curled her metal fingers around the door handle and pulled.

As she did so, a multitude of boxes that had been resting on the door from the inside tumbled out and onto the android. She let out a startled noise as ATLAS suddenly became more attentive. He stood up and quickly stepped across to P-body, who was covered with the boxes. The robot with the blue optic extended an animatronic arm to help her up, but something glittery caught his eye- erm, sensory optic. A glittery strand spilled out of a cardboard container. He removed the top, pulling out a long, silver, sparkly cord of tinsel garland.

P-body pulled herself up to her feet, snatching the tinsel from her partner's hand. She held it up curiously, batting at it like a kitten with the other hand. Neither of the robots had ever seen anything like it, and since they were programmed for scientific testing, they both had equally curious minds. ATLAS flicked the silver string, then picked up the box it had come from.

It was a rather large box, around the size of a Weighted Storage Cube. Weighted Storage Cubes, however, do not contain quite as interesting things as the round robot soon discovered this cube did. He removed two floppy red and white objects, which his data identified as hats, as he set the box back down. P-body, fascinated by this new discovery, stepped over to her partner in testing.

[What is that?] she communicated in a series of whirs and beeps.

[A hat,] ATLAS spoke back. He placed it on top of P-body's turret-like main body frame, the closest thing to a head he could really find. [You wear it.]

P-body quickly removed the headwear. [Only humans wear clothing,] she chided. [And you know how She feels about human behavior. She'll get mad!]

ATLAS looked at his feet, then walked over to the box. [You know what?] he lifted the other hat up. [I think She needs to lighten up a little.] With that, he donned the hat.

If robots could gasp, P-body would have done such. Instead, she let out a surprised noise. [You know what She would do if she heard you? She's disassemble you and use your parts to make a blender!] The android wasn't quite sure what a blender was, but it didn't sound like the best career choice.

[That wasn't my point,] ATLAS transmitted as [But I just had an idea.]

[Use turrets, propulsion gel, and an edgeless safety cube to go bowling?] P-body beeped hopefully.

[Not today Orange,] ATLAS replied. [I think we need to cheer her up.]

P-body rolled her optic and made a _huff-_like noise. [How are we going to do that without being disassembled?]

ATLAS gestured for his partner to take a look in the box. Inside were strings of colored lights, sheet music for carols, and many more Christmas related items.

[I think we should take a look in here...]

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><p><strong>Approximately 1.02 hours later...<strong>

GLaDOS was mulling over how to make testing more exciting for her- and, consequently more dangerous for humans- when she saw Blue and Orange fiddling with an old computer through a camera. GLaDOS' main optic narrowed as she zoomed in on what they were doing. Orange was chattering nervously to Blue, who was trying to operate the computer. For robots, they didn't know a lot about computers. She wasn't sure what they were looking for, but they were searching in really random files. Cake recipes, the exact affects of lunar rocks on humans, Christmas celebrations, the testing logs…

The testing logs?

She attempted to zoom in closer. Her curiosity had to be satisfied; what could they be up to? The two had never been the most... _intelligent _Artificial Intelligences, so behavior such as this was unusual. However, Orange quickly whirred around at the nearly inaudible sound of the camera zoom (her sensors were very accurate) and quickly picked up her Portal Gun, shooting a lighter colored portal at the camera, which fell to the ground.

_Something is very wrong here, _the AI noted bitterly, _and I need to right it. For science._

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><p><strong>Excuse the shortness! New chapters soon to follow! If I don't have this done by Christmas (which I hope I do), it will be complete by New Years. As my good friends Falconflight and FuzzehNomNom like to say, Feliz Navidad, idiotas!<strong>_  
><em>


	2. Chapter 2: and a Happy Explosion Day!

**The Enrichment Center reminds you that the author For The Winterstorm does not own Aperture Science, the Portal franchise,and all related characters. Those who claim she does will be tied to a Weighted Storage Cube and fired at by turrets and placed in the room where robots scream at you. -GLaDOS **

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><p>After a good amount of research in the Aperture databases, the two robots finally had a plan. They had found many useful documents that gave them a vague clue as to what the stuff in the box was. Apparently there was some sort of human event called <em>Christmas<em>, and it was celebrated by giving presents and having parties and singing.

[We should throw Her a Christmas party!] P-body beeped gleefully.

[Do you have the slightest idea how we're supposed to do that?] Atlas crossed his arms and half closed his optic.

"Blue. Orange. You have been stalling for 1.03 hours. You still have testing to do."

The two testing robots were extremely startled by GLaDOS's voice. They had been so wrapped up in their planning that they hadn't realized that they were still being monitored until P-body had shot down the camera. She had really only done it for fun, as she had been doing in the chambers to irritate the AI. True, irritating Her normally resulted unfortunately, but that never stopped it from being fun. In some ways, it even increased it, as they had begun to have contest on how mad they could make her before violently exploding. They could always be reassembled, of course, so to them death never really seemed like a big deal.

On that note of violent dissasembly, the two were blown to bits by the central AI.

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><p>"Glad to see you're back. I will now remind you that the destruction of Aperture technology, including cameras, is strictly prohibited by all test subjects, human and android. However, as a non-test subject, and as head of the facility, I am free to make you both combust at the first sign of misbehavior. Isn't that right, Orange?"<p>

ATLAS gave his partner a glare. P-body made a slight _eep _noise in response.

"I am now going to be running a different type of test," GLaDOS announced. "The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Devices are not needed for this test, so please place them in the Aperture Science Lidless Hollow Cube."

A panel on the floor (which, coincidentally, also happened to have P-body's foot on it,) quickly moved, and a Weighted Storage Cube with no top and an empty inside rose up. The two robots shared nervous glances, but put their guns in the box. The cube sank right back into the floor, and the panel snapped back into place.

"This is an observational test of social interaction. Please proceed to the next test chamber. A personality construct will be there to interact with you."

As the two robots jogged to the test chamber, GLaDOS smiled inwardly. She had been looking for uses for the Defective cores (other than incinerator fuel), and a test of AI social skills seemed like a fairly good idea. It was a quick test of technology, she supposed. It could also qualify as a test to see if the core could be useful for any other purpose, such as downloading into another testing robot. Three test subjects in one complex test? The idea had a good feel to it.

P-body and ATLAS walked into the next test chamber. On the floor was a round grayish white object with a green optic-like thing and handles. P-body stared at the object and decided that the best way to find out what it was was to pick it up.

The object was, in fact, Rick the Adventure Sphere."Who's sneaking up behind me?" the egoistical core exclaimed. "Oh. _Oh_. Hello there, pretty lady. The name's Rick. I'm an Adventure Sphere, built for danger!"

[Is this what She meant by 'observational test of social interaction?'] ATLAS asked, examining the core P-body was holding.

"And who are **you**?" Rick demanded in an accusatory tone. His optic narrowed as he glared at ATLAS. "Do you think you can fight me? I bet you couldn't! I bet I could blast you into next Explosion Day!"

ATLAS looked at P-body. [Explosion Day?]

"Never heard of it?" Rick interrupted in an indignant tone. "Figures. Only pretty ladies like your friend over there and the truly epic like me are awesome enough to know about Explosion Day!"

P-body held Rick by one of his handles and shook him experimentally. [What does She want us to do?] she asked, looking at ATLAS as Rick continued to flirt with her.

[Maybe he could help,] ATLAS suggested.

[With what?] P-body asked.

[With your... idea,] ATLAS answered, trying not to say anything that would draw GLaDOS' attention.

"What idea?" Rick stopped his boasting. "I'm sure it's a good one. Any idea that a beautiful robot such as yourself came up with must be a good one!"

[Maybe he could,] P-body agreed, examining the core with new-found interest.

"What are you planning?" Rick pressed excitedly.

[A party,] P-body answered at last.

"A PARTY?" Rick echoed. His green optic shot open with excitement.

[SHH!] both robots exclaimed at once.

They were sure GLaDOS had heard them, but there was no sarcastic or insulting comment. After a few seconds of silence, they turned back to the core.

[Be quiet,] ATLAS commanded.

"Oh, you think you're so tough?" Rick demanded. "You can't tell me what to do! I'm Rick! I'll do what I want to, and I don't take orders from-"

[Remember the party?] P-body interrupted quickly.

"Oh yeah. What kind of party will it be?" Rick inquired. "Will there be explosions? And fire? And danger?"

[It's a Christmas party,] P-body explained quietly.

Rick's optic narrowed. "That doesn't sound nearly as fun as an Explosion Day party."

ATLAS performed a facepalm. [That's because... explosion day is in two months,] he improvised. [We can't have it ahead of time.]

[Anyway,] P-body continued, [Do you have any ideas of how you could help us? We can't really have a surprise party if She knows about it.]

"Wait, wait," Rick shook his... er, frame, "the party is for Her?"

[Who else?] ATLAS asked.

"Stay out of this, tubby," Rick growled. "I'm taking to the lady here."

[We thought it might make Her feel a little better,] P-body explained. [She seems so bored recently, and she's been getting more irritated.]

"Hm," Rick thought for a moment. Obviously, they were looking to him, the hero, for help in their time of great need. _That sounds really cool. _Now, since it was a Christmas party, they had to have a gift. They said She had been bored lately, and as always, what's the best solution to boredom? Cold, straight up _adventure. _When that other (gorgeous) lady had been there, as he remembered, she had never been bored.

"Ah-HA!" Rick exclaimed. "I HAVE THE SOLUTION!"

[SHHH!] the two robots shushed again.

[What?] P-body interrogated.

"I have an idea for a present!"

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><p><strong>You have Falconflight to thank for most of Rick's dialogue. As she pointed out, he kinda started to remind both of us of Cave Johnson in his later years... come to think of it, their voices are a bit similar... I just know some fanfic writer is going to take that flag and run with it. Each reviewer will receive a special surprise gift!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3: The Statement is False

**I. Hate. WORKING ON FAMILY TRIPS.**

**I had to write half of this in a cramped car on my iPod, and the rest was written and uploaded on my grandmother's glitchy, slow, old computer that only uses Internet Explorer. I'm sorry I took you for granted, Google Chrome! I MISS YOU!**

**Erm... yeah. Fact, do the disclaimer.**

**"Fact: FTWinterstorm does not own the Portal Franchise. Fact: FTWinterstorm's ancestors were monkey tamers who died of hot dog poisoning."**

**...That's not true. That second part, anyway.**

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><p>[Alright, do we all have the plan?] ATLAS asked.<p>

[We've got it down,] P-body confirmed. Rick was too busy singing his "Adventure music" to answer, but his optic bobbed up and down in a nod.

[Alright, I'm going in,] ATLAS transmitted as he stepped into the central AI chamber. [Wish me luck!]

GLaDOS noticed the blue and white robot the moment he set animatronic foot into her chamber that something was amiss. "What is it, Blue?" she asked in her usual bored tone.

[Well, Orange and I found this riddle book in one of the old offices...] ATLAS explained, praying to science that this would work, [and we need some help solving it.]

It was nearly impossible for the central AI to roll her optic, yet she found a way to do it anyway. [I suppose I could help. Please state the riddle,] she spoke, confident that she would be able to solve it in milliseconds.

ATLAS would have taken a deep breath if he had lungs, but instead reminded himself not to think at all about his words. [Name a situation where someone is in need of something that can only be had by not being in need of it.]

GLaDOS was silent. Seconds later, her optic shut off.

[We have one hour before she wakes up,] P-body stated as she jogged in holding Rick, still telling her about his multiple black belts and how he needed a waist to wear them and have a gun and holster. [Now, find a way to trigger that emergency subject retrieval...thing while I start with the party.]

[Ah! Found it!]

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><p>Chell smiled as she put up a string of lights on her apartment door. Sure, some might say putting up decorations on Christmas eve at night was a little late, but she had been so busy lately that she wasn't sure she'd be celebrating Christmas this year, but her boss at the electronics store had insisted she take a day off for the holidays. She didn't exactly know too many people to celebrate with, so it was kind of a waste, but she wasn't going to argue. The store was going to be closed anyway. She'd probably celebrate by making a cake or something.<p>

Chell gave a short snort of laughter. That might be worthwhile, if just for the laughs. The last time she'd tried that it hadn't exactly went well, so she'd just gone out and bought a black forest cake. It wasn't the best tasting, but it was a cake nonetheless.

The dark haired woman opened the door to her apartment, then walked to her bedroom and swung the closet door open. She grabbed a puffy white jacket and a pair of boots- just plain black boots, not long fall boots. She sat down on her bed to slip on her boots when she suddenly turned her head back to the closet. She stood up and grasped the door handle, opening the already partially ajar door. She bent down and picked up a gray cube with pink hearts on it. She smiled gently as she set it down on the floor at the foot of her bed. Even if she didn't have anyone to share the holidays with, she at least had some/thing/ to share them with.

She noticed a peculiar noise emanating from the cube- not the usual slight humming sound, but...a bit like slow machinery. Before she knew it, one of the heart adorned circles began to shift upwards. Chell instantly stepped back.

"What the..." Chell muttered. She took a step backward toward the door as she recognized the barrel of a device she had hoped to never see again.

The portal device fired directly underneath Chell's feet' and she suddenly wished she had been wearing her long fall boots as she felt herself hit some sort of surface and black out.

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><p><strong>CLIFFHANGER! Ah, how I love these. Review! Flames will he sent to the incinerator, which is kind of redundant.<strong>


	4. Chapter 4: Death by Christmas

**'Ello! I'm here to read the disclaimer. From space. Where I am _still _stranded... Anyway, FTWinterstorm does not and has never owned the Portal games, Aperture Science, or any of its awesomely moronic cores... HEY! Who wrote this bloody thing?**

**_REBOOTING..._**

As GLaDOS regained consciousness, she was filled with rage she hadn't felt since _she _had been there. Actually, even before that. She had been betrayed, and not even by a human, but by her own creations. She recalled the punishment she had picked out for a certain moron- which, to her chagrin, she did not get to use- and reminded herself to put that in action on whoever was responsible.

Before activating her central optic, she swallowed her rage momentarily and ran some diagnostics. She was pleased to find that her cameras in the test chambers were working, and that she was not, in fact, in a potato, nor any other type of organic matter. So she had that.

Finally, her yellow optic flickered on. It took a moment to register her surroundings, which instantly set off some figurative warning signals. Her chamber, to put it in Layman's terms... did not look like her chamber. To start, she did not have tinsel, colored lights, and a poorly drawn banner reading _MERRY CHRISTMAS _ in her chamber. She also did not recall being covered with said colored lights, and the last time she checked there was not an unconscious former test subject slumped against the wall across from a blue portal.

"I thought I was very clear in telling you not to come back," the AI spoke in a calm voice laced with indescribable malice. "It appears you still never listen."

Chell jumped up as if electrocuted. Her head was still pounding from falling into the wall, but that wasn't the only reason for her confusion. Even if she normally never spoke to the constructs of Aperture, she could find no words to explain herself or the situation. She instinctively raised her arm as if holding a portal gun, but within seconds lowered it as the realization that she was unarmed and defenseless and at the mercy of her worst enemy sunk in. Not quite the Christmas she had been expecting. Cold beads of sweat felt like ice cubes as they formed on the woman's forehead as she heard the springy sound of robotic footsteps. As the two enemies looked to the doorway, they saw a sight nothing could have prepared them for.

ATLAS and P-body entered the room carrying a large line tree- how they even managed to get it in the elevator, no one may ever know. But more remarkable than that were the ornaments that adorned it. They were little white round ornaments painted to look like little personality cores, and hanging off one of the branches was none other than Rick the Adventure Core himself.

"Hey there, gorgeous!" Rick called to Chell. "Miss me?"

"Blue. Orange. Explain this," GLaDOS growled.

The two robots exchanged glances. [Merry Christmas!] they exclaimed in unison.

"...What?" GLaDOS could not believe her auditory sensors. They did not just say...

"Yeah, Merry Christmas!" Rick repeated. "And an extra happy Explosion Day to your friend. I thought you'd like my idea for a present."

GLaDOS looked at the green opticed core, then at Chell. "Are you suggesting that you three temporarily killed me, hacked into _my _databases, vandalized _my _chamber with these decorations, and brought this dangerous lunatic _back_ here... as a _Christmas present."_

The trio nodded.

If GLaDOS had a hand and face, they would be colliding in one big facepalm right now. "For the love of science..."

[We even baked a cake!] P-body chirped as she revealed a large confection, sloppily iced and decorated, but not enough to seem unappetizing.

[We had to bake it over the incinerator and everything!] ATLAS added.

If GLaDOS was confused, Chell had no idea what in the name of... _anything _was going on. First off, she didn't exactly understand the language the two androids were speaking, and Rick was still flirting with her. When she heard GLaDOS's comment, she just about died with laughter. The mere fact that these three were able to hack anything beyond Wheatley's form of hacking- smashing a window- was unbelievable. But the real kicker was the purpose for all this. She never though anyone would kidnap her in an attempted act of kindness.

"I never thought the meaning of Christmas could be brought with kidnapping and murder," Chell laughed aloud. Of course, this led to everyone staring at her, eventually leading to a facepalm.

"So you're not a dangerous mute lunatic after all," GLaDOS acknowledged. "Just a dangerous regular lunatic. I'll add that to your file."

Chell rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Putting it in perspective, though, it was a pretty nice thing these guys did for you."

The AI's optic narrowed. "I do suppose you would see murder as an act of kindness. It is your specialty."

[It wasn't exactly murder...] P-body whirred sadly as Rick fell off the tree, damaging nothing but his pride. ATLAS lightly kicked the core.

"Give them a break," Chell reasoned. "It is Christmas Eve, and they were trying to do something nice for you. Would you rather have them just flat out kill you instead of bake you a cake?"

GLaDOS gave a synthesized sigh. These idiots were not going to give up until she was happy. It was true, there were much worse things they could be going, especially since her previous killer-turned frenemy was back in the facility. She couldn't imagine which one of the three thought that was a good idea, but she had designed the two robots herself to be fairly intelligent. She figured it was the core.

"If it makes you happy- and more importantly, if it gets this psychopath out of my facility- then I am impressed by your effort and planning on this event. Next time, however, and I sincerely hope you will not _plan _a next time, do not kill me to try to impress me. Even I know that killing people doesn't make them like you."

Chell gave a soft chuckle of laughter. "I see you haven't changed."

"And you still won't go away," GLaDOS responded unemotionally.

Chell rolled her eyes. "Can I at least try the cake before I leave?"

GLaDOS gave another synthetic sigh. "Oh, fine. I suppose you never did get the cake. Please, just take the cake and go. It's not like there's anyone here to eat it."

P-body chirped happily- something Chell supposed might have been a holiday greeting. The orange and white robot handed the former test subject the cake as she stepped into the portal, which closed behind her.

It was the best cake she had ever eaten.

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><p><strong>And that is the end of our tale! For all the fans of Team Starkid, I threw in a very obvious A Very Potter Musical reference. It couldn't be avoided. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good Explosion Day!<strong>

**Wheatley: HEY! Wait! Could I just rattle off my coordinates to anyone who got some sort of space transport for the holidays? 1, 1, 1- *gets cut off***

**(PS- I asked for a turret plush for Christmas. They were out of stock. Ah well. At least I didn't buy it and have it start shooting me.)**


End file.
